Well I'll be a son of a thetan

I read an article in the March 9 issue of Rolling Stone this morning, an article about Scientology. It was an interesting read to say the least. From what now gather, Scientology claims our souls are immortal space aliens called "thetans" that were brought to Earth by "an evil galactic warlord named Xenu (who) controlled seventy-six planets in this corner of the galaxy." Of course they don't tell you about this until you've paid for years of "auditing" and been invited into the upper echelons of the church. All that stuff from the South Park episode appears to be true.

But all space aliens, e-meters, and brain washing aside, this church truly has something new to offer: Jedi powers. That's right, Jedi-friggin-powers.

(Operating Thetans) are Scientology's elite -- enlightened beings who are said to have total "control" over themselves and their environment. OTs can allegedly move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behavior of, both animals and human beings. At the highest levels, they are allegedly liberated from the physical universe, to the point where they can psychically control what Scientologists call MEST: Matter, Energy, Space and Time.

Man, and all Catholicism offers us is eternal bliss -- and even that's not a sure thing. We've got to live with all the guilt while we're here on Earth with our immortal souls. All I want is the power to kill a yak from two hundred yards away... with mind bullets!

That's telekinesis, Kyle. How 'bout the power to move you.